passing away

Last Thursday afternoon my uncle in Malaysia passed away after battling with cancer for 6 months. After my brother rang me to tell me, I found myself immediately continuing the jobs I was doing but then I stopped, the house was quiet, I forced myself to sit and just feel. To be in that moment, to meditate on my thoughts, feelings and focus on my uncle, my aunt and my cousins in Malaysia. I was not particularly close to my uncle, after all we live in Australia and them in Malaysia but it was always lovely to see him and my family when they or we would visit. It is sad to think that when we visit next he won't be there to take us around, to make jokes, play cards and have a beer with, to hear his stories and exchange ours. He was someone who knew things, local things like, where to get tax free beer, where the best curry was, he had contacts everywhere, he also had a sneaky sense of humour and an incredible laugh.

After sitting for a while I lit some candles and incense, I shed some tears and then I called my mum, she also had candles and incense burning and had picked flowers and had made a Ganesh shrine, my uncle was Hindu, we had a cry and then spoke about what they would be doing in Malaysia. She told me that people would come to the house and pay their respects to my uncle and give condolences to my aunt and cousins. Friends and family would then pay a vigil over my uncle's body overnight with prayers being made, candles and incense burning, people gently talking and sharing. Over the two days no food is to be prepared at the home so many visitors bring food to share. On the day after the death, my uncle's body would be washed and prepared with oils and then taken to the crematorium. For the next sixteen days at a certain time of day my aunt, cousins and any other friends and family will make prayers for my uncle and over this period of sixteen days, they must stick to a vegetarian diet. On the seventeenth day, my aunt will then make all my uncle's favourite foods and she will invite friends and family to share with her.
I found these rituals really quite reassuring, they seem to allow for space, space to grieve yet also space to share the grieving, time with my uncle to honour and acknowledge and then purpose, purpose with prayers and ritual and then the celebration of him with the cooking of a feast to honour him.
A few hours before my uncle died he told my aunt that Amini, her mum, my grandmother was standing next to him, by his bed. It was then my aunt knew she had to let him go, it was time. He died not long after this. It gave my mum and my aunt's such reassurance and peace to know Amini was there with him.

I do love to hear positive stories of death, death that isn't feared, death that acknowledges and celebrates the life of the person who has passed. To celebrate the life, like life is celebrated when a new life is born, with a showering of care, food, assistance, love and community. I believe that this is something that seems to be lacking in our culture, there is a lot of fear around death and dying, so we tend to think very little of it, and when it happens we seem to leave it up to others to deal with, the bodies are usually taken away quite quickly and then dressed by the funeral staff and sometimes even made up by them (so much so that they sometimes look like poor imitations of themselves). I absolutely admit that the thought of losing those close to me terrifies me but I do hope that I can respect, honour and cherish them in a way they deserve. To remain close to them as they are dying and in death.

I was lucky enough to be with another uncle 15 years ago when he died of the asbestos based lung cancer, Mesothelioma, it was such an amazing and beautiful experience that has just stayed with me. He had been in hospital for a while but he and my aunt both decided he should die at home, I have beautiful memories of Colin sitting on the couch in his loungeroom surrounded by his children, wife, grandchild and other family members, there was gentle laughter, soft music, incense, flowers, water, candles and a wonderful sense of reverence. Colin was just sitting amongst all this with a very gentle smile on his face, a smile of such content. This continued into the night with takeaway pizza and gentle conversation. At one point Colin started chuckling with a far away look in his eyes "They're getting ready for me, there is smoke, (more chuckling) they are getting ready". Colin died that night in bed with his wife, beautifully curled up in a foetal position, as he was before he entered this world. He was an amazing human who died in such a beautiful and inspiring way.

A longer post that usual with a topic a lot more deeper than usual, but this has been on my mind, wonderfully it has led to many beautiful conversations of late, listening, sharing and dreaming of other ways of approaching death and dying.